Pirate Jokes

Arrrrr! These be great pirate jokes, me hearties! Funnier than a monkey in a barrel of rum. Funnier than a parrot with a French accent. Funnier than a rat in a hat. Funnier than...you get the idea.



Yo Ho Ho
A pirating we go!
Come join our crew
We've got pirate jokes for you.





Q: How much do pirate earrings cost?
A: A buck an ear.

Q: Why are pirates pirates?
A: Because the Arrr!

Q: What is a pirate's favourite mint?
A: Pieces of After Eight.

Q: What has ten heads, ten feet, and ten hands?
A: Ten pirates.

Q: Why could the pirate not play cards?
A: He was standing on the deck.

Q: Why was man arrested for maing a waxwork of Captain Hook?
A: It is illegal to make a pirate copy.

Q: Why was the pirate strolling through the park dragging a piece of wood behind him tied to some string?
A: Because the captain had told him to walk the plank.

Q: What do you call a pirate's hairstyle?
A: A crew cut

Q: How much does a pirate's treasure cost?
A: An arm and a leg

Q: What do you call a pirate with three eyes?
A: A piiirate

Q: Why did the pirate cross the road?
A: To get to the second hand shop

Q: Why should you never take a pea from a pirate?
A: He becomes irate.

Q: Why was Queen Elizabeth I's hearing secretly so good?
A: She had lots of private ears (privateeers)

Q: What did the pirate say when his wooden leg got stuck in the ice?
A: Shiver me timbers?

Q: Why did the pirate put a belt on a pumpkin?
A: He wanted to be a squashbuckler

Q: What did the pirate buy from the Apple store?
A: An iPatch



First Pirate: My wife has gone off to that pirate hideout, Port Royal.

Second Pirate: Jamaica?

First Pirate: No, she went of her own free will.


A pirate, with a wooden leg, a hook for a hand, and a eyepatch, was walking down the street when he bumped into an old friend who he had not seen for a while. They greeted each other, and had a chat, and after a while, the friend said "The last time I saw you, you had two legs, two hands, and two eyes. Now you have a hook for a hand, a wooden leg, and an eye patch. What happened?"

"Well," said the pirate "I lost the leg when I was shot in battle, but the surgeon fixed me up with a wooden leg, and now I am fine."

"What about the hand?" said the friend.

"Well," said the pirate, "I lost that in a sword fight. The surgeon fixed me up with a hook though, and now I am fine."

"What about the eye?" said the friend.

"Well," said the pirate, "I was stood on deck, looking up, when a passing seagull pooped in my eye."

"Oh dear," said the friend, "that sounds nasty, but I don't really see how it made you lose your eye?"

"Well," said the pirate, "you see, I wasn't really used to the hook..."





That's all our pirate jokes, shipmate,
Hope ye liked them, they were great.
There are no more, but don't ye blubber,
Be like a pirate, not a lubber


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